Monday, August 22, 2005

THE SPEECH GEORGE BUSH WON'T MAKE

YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I DECIDED TO GIVE THIS SPEECH FROM THE USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. WELL, AS YOU KNOW, THIS IS WHERE I GAVE THE 'MISSION ACCOMPLISHED' SPEECH IN MAY, 2003.
YA' SEE, A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THEN. BUT I RECENTLY THOUGHT THINGS OVER. I WANT TO BE STRAIGHT WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. SINCE I'LL NEVER RUN FOR OFFICE AGAIN, I DECIDED TO LEVEL WITH YOU ALL. IN OTHER WORDS...TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
I'VE BEEN A LUCKY MAN. I WAS BORN INTO A WELL-OFF FAMILY. MY LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN EASY. I'VE NEVER HAD TO REALLY WORK. I TALK 'RANCH' BUT I'VE ALWAYS LIVED 'WALL STREET'.

YA' SEE, I'VE BEEN PRIVILEDGED. MY DAD GOT ME INTO TWO IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS WHICH I NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO ON MY OWN. EVEN THOUGH I SPEAK OUT AGAINST AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, I'M ITS POSTER BOY...LEGACY STYLE.
MY FAMILY CONNECTIONS ALSO HELPED ME DURING THE YEARS WHEN I STRAYED AND TOOK DRUGS...YOU KNOW.. COCAINE, AND LOTS OF LIQUOR. LOTS.
MOM AND POPS ALWAYS MANAGED TO KEEP THINGS QUIET.
POPS ALSO SAW TO IT THAT I WAS FAR FROM VIETNAM BY GETTING ME INTO THE TEXAS NATIONAL GUARD. AND, TO BE FAIR TO OUR MEN AND WOMEN IN UNIFORM, I MUST ADMIT THAT I DIDN'T REALLY MEET MY MILITARY OBLIGATIONS. YES, I WAS AWOL. I'M SORRY. BETWEEN THE DRUGS, LIQUOR, AND MY FRISKY DISPOSITION, I WENT ASTRAY.
ANYWAY, WHEN THE GROUP DECIDED TO MAKE ME PRESIDENT, WE REALIZED THAT POPS LOST HIS RE-ELECTION BECAUSE HE TAXED PEOPLE AND HE WENT SOFT ON THE WAR. WE DECIDED THAT WE WOULDN'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE.
SO, WE HAD TWO PLANS: CUT TAXES AND GO TO WAR.
TAXES WAS EASY. GIVE THE MOST TO THOSE WITH THE MOST POWER AND INFLUENCE. I DID JUST THAT, EVEN THOUGH I KEPT SAYING THAT I WAS HELPING THE WORKING FOLKS. I WAS SUPRISED ACTUALLY WHEN SO MANY PEOPLE BELIEVED ME.

FOR OUR WAR, WE SELECTED IRAQ. IT WAS THE PERFECT PLACE. I COULD FINISH DAD'S WAR. WE FIGURED THAT THEY PROBABLY HAD ILLEGAL WEAPONS. WE ALSO KNEW IT WOULD ELIMINATE ISRAEL'S BIGGEST ENEMY. AND, AFTER ALL, SADDAM HAD THREATENED MY DAD'S LIFE.
AND, IT WAS LOADED WITH 'BLACK OXYGEN'. IN OTHER WORDS, IT HAD OIL. LOTS OF OIL.
WELL, YOU SEE, JUST AS WE WERE CUTTING TAXES, THE 9/11 DISASTER HAPPENED. OUR WAR WAS HANDED TO US LIKE A GIFT. THE PROBLEM WAS, WE WEREN'T PLANNING ON WARRING WITH AFGHANISTAN. I ACTED TOUGH. I SAID THINGS LIKE, "BRING IT ON", AND, "DEAD OR ALIVE". BUT, WE COULN'T FIND OSAMA. WE TRIED, BUT HE WAS LOOKING SLYIER THAN US. WE NEEDED A MORE SUCCESSFUL PROJECT.
WE WENT BACK TO PLAN 'A'. IRAQ.
SO WE TIED THE TWO TOGETHER. I SAID IT SO MUCH THAT I ALMOST CALLED THEM 'OSADDAM AND HUSAMA. [CHUCKLE]
IT WORKED PRETTY WELL. AMERICANS WERE SCARED. I TOLD CARL THAT WE SHOULD HAVE A CODE 'BROWN'. HEH HEH.
MANY PEOPLE BELIEVED ANYTHING THAT WE SAID.
THE DEMOCRATS DIDN'T WANT TO SEEM UNPATROTIC, SO THEY WENT ALONG.
SO, WE REDECIDED TO GO TO WAR, ALTHOUGH I PRETENDED TO AVOID WAR AT ANY COST. WHEN IRAQ ALLOWED THE WEAPONS INSPECTORS IN, WE REALIZED THAT WE HAD TO ACT FAST. IF WEAPONS WERE FOUND, THEY'D BE REMOVED OR DESTROYED AND I'D HAVE NO WAR. IF NO WEAPONS WERE FOUND, AGAIN, I'D HAVE NO WAR.
WE CALL THAT A 'LOSE LOSE' SITUATION.
SO, WE HURRIED RIGHT INTO WAR. IT WAS A CLOSE CALL.
WE KICKED BUTT. MY RATINGS SOARED. I FIGURED IT WAS TIME FOR A VICTORY LAP. I FLEW ONTO THIS HERE VERY SHIP.
I TOLD REPORTERS THAT I FLEW THE FIGHTER PLANE ONTO THIS AIRCRAFT CARRIER. THAT WASN'T TRUE, BUT THE PILOT DID LET ME HOLD THE WHEEL FOR A FEW SECONDS. I WAS HIGHER THAN I HAD EVER BEEN ON COKE.

BUT THE FEELING DIDN'T LAST.
AS YOU KNOW, AT LEAST MOST OF YOU DO, WMD WERE NOT FOUND. I TRIED CLAIMING THAT WE FOUND SOME, BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK. WE LEAKED A RUMOR THAT THEY WERE SNEAKED OUT OF IRAQ AND INTO SYRIA OR IRAN. AT LEAST THAT WORKED SOME. A LOT OF FOLKS JUST WANTED TO BELIEVE ME. I MEAN, I COULDDA' SAID,'I'M A BIG LIAR', AND SOME FOLKS WOULD NOT HAVE BELIEVED IT.

WELL, WE COULDN'T SAY, 'SORRY, WE WERE WRONG.' SO, WE CHANGED THE WHOLE THING INTO AN ACT OF LIBERATION. WE WERE GONNA' FREE THE PEOPLE. BUT SOME OF THEM FOUGHT BACK.
I'D SAY THINGS LIKE,"THEY'RE TERRORISTS AND THEY HATE US FOR OUR FREEDOM. REST ASSURED THAT WE'LL STAY THE COURSE."
THAT'S BEEN WORKING PRETTY GOOD SO FAR, BUT MORE AMERICANS ARE STARTING TO QUESTION MY JUDGEMENT. I MYSELF THINK THAT THERE BANNER HAS BECOME, 'MISERY ACCOMPLISHED.'
ANYWAY,
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

1 comment:

badgerbob said...

Outstanding speech mr president.