Monday, June 20, 2005

THE ONLY COMMENCEMENT SPEECH YOU'LL EVER NEED

HELLO. SORRY ABOUT THE OPRESSIVE HEAT. PERHAPS THE HEAVY RAIN WILL REFRESH YOU.
I KNOW THAT YOU FEEL SCARED TODAY. (DON'T ADMIT IT...KEEP LOOKING FORWARD ).
YOU'RE FRIGHTNED BECAUSE, SINCE THE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN, YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN DIRECTED. YOU WERE FED THE MILK, TOOK THE NAPS, AND BECAME TOILET TRAINED.
YOU BLEW OUT THE CANDLES AND YOUR WISHES CAME TRUE. YOU WERE MOMMIE'S LIL' SUN KING. VERY SPECIAL.
AND I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU. HONESTLY. I'M BEING OBJECTIVE. YOU ARE SO SMART AND TALENTED. AND, QUITE THE ARTIST. VERY GOOD LOOKING TOO.
YEAH...YOU WERE THE 'LITTLE BIG MAN'. ' YOUNG TOM EDISON'. JUST AMAZING WITH COMPUTERS.

THEN IT WAS OFF TO SCHOOL WHERE YOU MET ALL THE OTHER SUN KINGS. THERE ARE MANY.

( INSERT A VISUAL OF PAGES BEING TURNED QUICKLY BY A BRISK EAST WIND).

SIXTEEN YEARS LATER THE RIDE IS OVER. YOU'VE GOT YOUR SHEEPSKIN, WHICH LIKE MOST THINGS, IS NOT WHAT IT CLAIMS TO BE. NO SHEEP. NO SKIN. JUST PURE VEGETARIAN PAPER. SO MUCH IS IN THE NAMING, REPACKAGING, AND PRESENTATION, WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO YOU.

TODAY YOU ROLL OFF THE ASSEMBLY LINE. YOU ARE NOW, 'YOU'.
YOUR BONES HAVE STOPPED GROWING.
YOU'VE GOT YOUR BODY HAIR, YOUR CELL PHONE, YOUR COOL, AND AN ATM CARD. YOU ARE NOW, OFFICIALLY, A FREE AGENT.

TALLY HO!
RELEASE THE HEADHUNTERS!
THE FREE MARKET SYSTEM HAS DREAMED OF THIS DAY.

THE TRAINING WHEELS ARE OFF.
'REQUIRED' AND 'MANDATORY' ARE IN THE REAR-VIEW MIRROR, WHERE OBJECTS MAY APPEAR CONSTRAINED. IT'S ALL ELECTIVES NOW.
STARTING IN ABOUT...I'D SAY... THREE MINUTES, YOU CAN BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE. YOU CAN PARTY ALL NIGHT. PUT TATTOOS WHEREVER YOU LIKE. EAT WHAT YOU WANT WHEN YOU WANT. CRANK UP THE TV AND LEAVE LIGHTS ON IN EVERY ROOM..DURING THE DAY.

REMEMBER ALL THOSE, "ARE WE THERE YETS"?
WELL...YOU ARE NOW THERE!

THE FUTURE IS NOW AND YOU'RE ALL GASSED UP. SO, GENTLEMAN, START YOUR ENGINE!

BUT YOU DON'T QUITE FEEL LIKE THE MAN, DO YOU?
YOUR INNER DIALOGUE TELLS YOU OTHERWISE. YOU KNOW THAT YOU'VE REALLY BEEN BLUFFING YOUR WAY ABOUT.

YES, YOU'VE LEARNED TO DO THE ALPHA -STRUT, BUT YOU KNOW YOU'RE SKIPPING AROUND IN TOO- BIG, GROWN-UP-PRETEND CLOTHING. A SHEEP IN WOLF'S DOCKERS.
YOU DO SQUATS AT THE GYM, BUT YOU REALIZE THAT YOU DON'T KNOW SQUAT. YOU FAKEOUT YOUR PARENTS WHILE THEY FAKEOUT THEIR FRIENDS.

YOU STILL CALL HOME WHEN THE TRANSMISSION ACTS UP.
YOU'RE SCARED BECAUSE YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A WORK IN PROGRESS. AND NOW, THE WORK IS FINISHED.
HERE'S WHERE WE FIND OUT WHAT YOU REALLY ARE.

RELAX KID. AVERAGE ISN'T SO BAD. YOU HAVE LOTS OF COMPANY.
LOTS.
SO, DON'T TRY TO SAVE THE WORLD. YOU FLATTER YOURSELF BY TRYING. JUST TRY TO SAVE YOURSELF. THERE'S ENOUGH WORK RIGHT THERE.

ADVICE.

NOTICE THAT SPEAKERS WHO TELL YOU ABOUT THE SHALLOWNESS OF MONEY GET PAID FOR SPEAKING.

FOLKS WHO TELL YOU HOW HARD THEY WORKED FOR EVERYTHING, PROBABLY NEVER WORKED VERY HARD FOR ANYTHING.

WHEN YOU GO TO THE DENTIST BE SURE TO CLEAN OUT YOUR NOSE FIRST. DOUBT ME AT YOUR PERIL.

TRY NOT TO USE WORDS LIKE 'RAPPROACHMENT". IT NEARLY ALWAYS BACKFIRES.

THE ACT OF BECOMING A SMOKER IS ONE OF THE PLANET'S MOST STUPID ACTS.

IF YOU INSIST ON GOD'S EXISTENCE, AT LEAST UNDERSTAND THAT HE'S EGOTISTICAL AND RATHER SADISTIC.

WHEN YOU HEAR, "THIS PERSON NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION," BE READY FOR AN INTRODUCTION.


STAY AWAY FROM CLICHES LIKE "MY HEART GOES OUT...".

FINALLY, BEWARE OF PEOPLE WHO SAY, "NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH". I PROMISE YOU, MANY THINGS COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

ENJOY YOUR AVERAGE LIFE! IT'S NOT THAT BAD............
ON AVERAGE.

7 comments:

Mental Notes said...

Quicksand-

How DEEP
How TRUE
How SAD
How DEPRESSING

I'd Love to see a commencement speech for those on the verge of RETIREMENT...instead of GRADUATION!

Or how about one for me...
Not quite ready for retirement...just out of a JOB!

-MN

quicksand said...

HECK, BEING AVERAGE IS NOT SO BAD...AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT 'MEAN'.

MilesDavis said...

Only one word in comment Quicksand.
Superb!

quicksand said...

THANKS MOM.

Rue said...

This was almost as funny as reading your profile!
Er...that was meant to be amusing, right?
Umm..sorry...nevermind
;)

quicksand said...

RUE,
YOU THINK IT'S EASY GETTING THROUGH LIFE AS LACTOSE TOLERANT PERSON?

Rue said...

:D